Five Things I Am Tired Of Hearing In Techno (or, Jeph Gets Lynched by the Techno Snobs Because He Dislikes Villalobos)

• Monotone voices reciting nonsensical streams of words. Guys it was interesting ONCE. TEN YEARS AGO. Recent offenders: Martin Buttrich (whose work is otherwise stellar), Shaeben and Voss.

• Bad singing. If you can't sing, you shouldn't fuck up an otherwise perfectly good song by attempting to sing over it. Recent offenders: Apparat, Fairmont, Shaeben and Voss again, Sasha Funke

• Daft Punkery. Daft Punk are a huge influence on modern dance music. They're legendary. Homework and Discovery are two of the finest albums ever released. If you're gonna mine anybody's back catalog, it might as well be theirs. But the recent fetishization of the "Daft Punk sound" is getting a little ridiculous. Recent offenders: Justice, Digitalism, Boys Noize, Vitalic (note: I still think all of these acts range from good to excellent)

• Minimalism. Not TRUE minimalism, where tiny changes over time add up to interesting, provocative evolution. I'm talking about the brand of "minimalism" that is really just an excuse for noodling on the same two notes or one beat for seventeen minutes while fiddling about with delay and modulation plugins. The limitless potential of modern music software is also its Achilles' heel- it's far too easy to get lost in software space and forget about crafting a song that's fun to listen to. Recent offenders: Ricardo Villalobos, 90% of the German techno scene, Ricardo Villalobos, Ricardo Villalobos

• Guitars, poorly played. Recent offenders: I have yet to hear an interesting guitar part in a techno song. Possible exceptions include "Augenblick" by Ellen Allien and maybe the solo on "Digital Love" by Daft Punk (although my DJ friend insists it's just a cleverly-sequenced synth)