Marten Reed
The closest thing to a protagonist we've got. Mopey, passive, unsure of what to do with his life. SOUNDS LIKE A REAL WINNER, HUH
Pintsize
Marten's sociopathic robot buddy. Obsessed with butts. Dangerously obsessed with butts.
Faye Whitaker
Sexy, snarky, and endearingly combative. Works at Coffee of Doom. Probably Marten's best friend.
Dora Bianchi
Skinny post-goth proprietor of Coffee of Doom. Has mild insecurity issues.
Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham
Obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, anxiety-ridden, surprisingly adorable. Billionaire parents Grew up on a space station. Likes kitties.
Winslow
Hannelore's Apple-designed AnthroPC. Refreshingly sane compared to Pintsize.
Sven Bianchi
Dora's slightly-older brother. Recovering man-whore who writes terrible country songs for a living.
Marigold Farmer
Giant nerd, hopelessly awkward, big fan of anime, manga, and videogames. Writes terrible fanfiction. Self-esteem undetectable with current technology. Lives with Angus and Momo. Jeph's favorite character.
Momo
Marigold's AnthroPC. Quite anime in design, slightly less anime in attitude. Very interested in AI history and civil rights.
Angus McPhee
Professional debate-loser, roommate of Marigold's, maker-outer of Faye.
Tai Hubbert
Marten's boss at the Smif College library. A true libertine. Likes ladies, both in general and specific. Enjoys terrible literature.
Steve
Marten's buddy from college. Kind of a bro, but in a pleasant way. Has much more success with the ladies than Marten.
Veronica Reed
Marten's dominatrix mother.
Henry Reed
Marten's dad. Runs a gay bar in Miami. Recently remarried, much to everyone's delight.
Raven Pritchard
Coffee of Doom's resident idiot savant. Enjoys makeouts. Extremely malleable personal brand.
Amir Afridi
Bassist for Deathmole, slightly crusty. A Chill Bro.
Penelope Gaines
Irascible Coffee of Doom employee, teetotaler, and all-around literature enthusiast.
Wil
Friend of Sven, poet and general dilettante. Wishes he had been born a hundred years earlier, even though he probably would have died of consumption.
Jim
Owner of the Secret Bakery. Divorcee cautiously dipping his toe back in the dating scene. Has a tweenage daughter, Samantha.
Samantha
Jim's daughter. Precocious, outdoorsy, Pokemon enthusiast frog-worshipper.
Clinton Augustus
AI enthusiast, huge fanboy of Hannelore's dad. Overbearing but means well. Has robot hand.
Dale
Anime and video games enthusiast. Marigold's nemesis.
John Ellicott-Chatham
Hannelore's brilliant scientist father. Played key role in development of artificial intelligence. Lives on a space station.
Beatrice Chatham
Hannelore's mother. Runs Ellicott-Chatham Enterprises with an iron fist. Almost completely amoral.
Cosette Hurlbut
Smif student and Coffee of Doom employee. Very clumsy. VERY clumsy.
Padma
Employed at the Secret Bakery. Very family-oriented. Straightforward to the point of obliviousness.
Claire Augustus
Graduate student and library intern. Sibling of Clinton. Poofy hair.
Emily Azuma
Graduate student and library intern. Weirdo.
Gabby
Graduate student and library intern.
PT410X
Linux-based AnthroPC. It's a heat sink, not a neckbeard.
Lt. Potter
Security personnell on Dr. Ellicott-Chatham's space station. Takes no shit.
Station
Controlling AI of Dr. Ellicott-Chatham's space station. Nearly omniscient and omnipotent, but mostly uses his power for mischief.
Jimbo
Working-class Northampton barfly and established author of multiple terrible, terrible novels. Truly excellent facial hair.
Nat
Former member of Deathmole and girlfriend of Amir. Extremely crusty.
The Bros
BROS BROS BROS BROS Bros
Pizza Girl
Possibly a superhero, definitely a pizza delivery girl. Looks suspiciously like Penelope. This will never be explained.
Yelling Bird
Just the worst. Absolutely, positively the worst.
Sara
Former employee at Coffee of Doom. Eaten by an allosaurus. RIP.