Most of the characters in the comic are people! Like me and (presumably) you! They're listed vaguely in order of prominence (as of this writing, which is the summer of 2020). If the number of characters is intimidating, don't worry about it- you can jump in basically anywhere in the comic's archive and generally know what's going on within about 10 or 15 strips. There is also this completely buckwild chart detailing the relationships of the entire cast (probably including some people I haven't put on this page) compiled by reader and chart wizard Peter Ravn Rasmussen. Thanks Peter!
Marten Reed
Former protagonist. Chill dude. Passive to a fault. Currently dating Claire. Used to date Dora. They're friends now, it's chill.
Claire Augustus
Recently graduated library scientist, former library intern. Dating Marten. Just the best, everyone adores Claire. Except her brother Clinton, whom she relentlessly bullies.
Faye Whitaker
Sexy, snarky, and endearingly combative. Used to work at Coffee of Doom, currently running her own robot repair business, Union Robotics, with Bubbles. Recovering alcoholic, lost her father at a young age. Dating Bubbles. Marten's best friend.
Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham
Obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, anxiety-ridden, surprisingly adorable. Has come a long way, though! Billionaire parents. Grew up on a space station. Likes kitties. And sexy firemen.
Dora Bianchi
Skinny post-goth proprietor of Coffee of Doom. Engaged to Tai. Has a cat named Mieville and insecurity issues that she's working on.
Tai Hubbert
Marten's boss(?) at the Smif College library. A true libertine. Likes ladies, both in general and specific. Enjoys terrible literature.
Marigold Farmer
Giant nerd, hopelessly awkward, big fan of anime, manga, and videogames. Writes terrible fanfiction. Self-esteem undetectable with current technology. Dating Dale. Lives with Momo. Jeph's favorite character.
Anime and video games enthusiast. Marigold's ex-nemesis and current smooch recipient. The glasses are augmented reality lenses. Also they make him look like Gendo Ikari, which he finds amusing.
Clinton Augustus
Claire's little brother. AI enthusiast, recovering turbonerd. Has a robot hand, which is pretty cool.
Blunt to a fault, but also kind and loves a good dog joke. Definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum. Used to work at the worst dive bar in town, until it burned down and took her apartment with it. Currently living with Renee. Like half the comic has a crush on her at this point. Works as a barback at the Horrible Revelation.
Works at the Secret Bakery with Elliot. Can usually be relied upon to say the worst possible thing at any given moment, but she tries her best. Lives with Brun and has an unrequited crush on Elliot, which she seems to have made peace with.
A big sweet goober. Works at the Secret Bakery with Renee. Master of the unpursued crush...unless...
Sven Bianchi
Dora's slightly-older brother. Recovering slimeball. Writes terrible country songs for a living.
Marten's buddy from college. Kind of a bro, but in a pleasant way. Dating Cosette. Accidentally bought a boat.
Veronica Reed
Marten's retired dominatrix mother. Dating Jim, pseudo-mom to Sam.
Jim Bean
Owner of the Secret Bakery. Has a tweenage daughter, Samantha. Dating Marten's mom Veronica.
Sam Bean
Jim's daughter. Precocious, outdoorsy, frog-worshipper. Helps out at Union Robotics, becoming a locally famous robot body art creator.
Emily Azuma
Graduate student and former library intern. Weirdo. Maybe a genius?

Pretty much everybody else in the comic is an artificial intelligence of some kind! It's cool if you call them robots, they use the terms pretty much interchangeably.
Marten's sociopathic robot buddy. Obsessed with butts. Dangerously obsessed with butts.
Former state of the art combat AI. Suffered traumatic amnesia at the hands of an immoral former employer. Runs Union Robotics with Faye. They're madly in love. It's cute.
Roko Basilisk
Former cop, had a change of heart and now works for a local AI rights nonprofit. Strong sense of justice, even stronger attraction to baked goods.
Yay Newfriend
Mysterious all-powerful multi-bodied godlike AI. Used to be referred to as "Spookybot" until they chose the name Yay Newfriend because they thought it was funny. Has decided to be Roko's best friend, whether Roko likes it or not. Helped Bubbles in her time of need. Has two greyhounds.
A little weirdo. Lives upstairs from Roko. Loves Roko very much. Also loves Yay very much. Also loves beetles very much, and tree bark, and buses, and entropy, and whales, and this HTML document...
A horrible, horrible AI. Went to Robot Jail for financial fraud, struggling to navigate life after her release. Lives with Dale, Marigold, and Momo.
Hannelore's AnthroPC. Formerly an ambulatory iPod, currently a cute pink humanoid. A good boy whom try his best.
Marigold's AI companion. Unfailingly optimistic, relentlessly pleasant until provoked.
AI who works at the AI rights nonprofit. Formerly Roko's boss, has abdicated control of the organization to Roko's superior leadership skills. Her friends call her Beeps. She does her best.
AI neighbor of Brun and Renee. It's pronounced "mee-foy" if you use American phonetics. Her friends call her Mille. Works on optical technology. Made an emu invisible because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Got butt implants from Union Robotics and is very happy with them.
Nelson Employee at the AI rights nonprofit. Prides himself on being the capable underling. For some reason Jeph keeps getting his name wrong in the comics.
Massively powerful AI running John Ellicott-Chatham's space station. Usually manifests as a hologram because he thinks it's neat.

These are characters who were once more prominent in the story, but have either dropped out of the story or become less prominent over time. It's a lot of comics, there's bound to be some cast turnover sometimes. Don't worry about it.
Erstwhile employee of Hannelore's mom, would-have-been assistant to Hannelore herself. Now working on the space station keeping Hannelore's dad in check. They're dating Station, which seems kind of complicated but they make it work so who are we to judge.
Beatrice Chatham
Hannelore's estranged mother. Runs Ellicott-Chatham Enterprises with an iron fist. Almost completely amoral.
John Ellicott-Chatham
Hannelore's brilliant scientist father. Played key role in development of artificial intelligence. Lives on a space station. Very scatterbrained.
Cosette Hurlbut
Smif student and Coffee of Doom employee. Very clumsy. VERY clumsy. Dating Steve. Pissed about his accidental boat purchase.
Henry Reed
Marten's dad. Recently remarried, much to everyone's delight.
Raven Pritchard
Coffee of Doom's resident idiot savant. Enjoys makeouts. Extremely malleable personal brand.
Amir Afridi
Bassist for Deathmole, slightly crusty. A Chill Bro.
Penelope Gaines
Irascible Coffee of Doom employee, teetotaler, and all-around literature enthusiast.
Friend of Sven, poet and general dilettante. Wishes he had been born a hundred years earlier, even though he probably would have died of consumption.
Formerly employed at the Secret Bakery. Very family-oriented. Straightforward to the point of obliviousness. Dated Marten until she moved away.
Graduate student and library intern.
Linux-based AnthroPC. It's a heat sink, not a neckbeard.
Lt. Potter
Security personnell on Dr. Ellicott-Chatham's space station. Takes no shit.
Working-class Northampton barfly and established author of multiple terrible, terrible novels. Truly excellent facial hair.
Former member of Deathmole and girlfriend of Amir. Extremely crusty.
The Bros
Angus McPhee
Professional debate-loser, roommate of Marigold's, former maker-outer of Faye. Moved away.
Pizza Girl
Possibly a superhero, definitely a pizza delivery girl. Looks suspiciously like Penelope. This will never be explained.
Yelling Bird
Just the worst. Absolutely, positively the worst.
Former employee at Coffee of Doom. Eaten by an allosaurus. RIP.

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